Art is Life.
I began to draw as soon as I could hold a tool to make marks. I excelled in art and everyone told little me that I was very good, but asked, "what are you going to do for a real job". Through elementary school I was asked this, over and over again by well meaning teachers and family, until I felt lost.
I was in the third grade the first time I remember having suicidal thoughts. The teasing at school began to really bother me, and I always felt ganged up on at home (middle child syndrome). I hated to look at myself in the mirror because my nose was so huge, I had a mustache (I had a little fuzz), I looked like a boy (ok...I really did)... whatever it was that the kids were saying at school or on the bus...those became my words to myself. I was not perfect, honestly...I was a brat to other people and lashed out and hurt many along the way. I guess it was my way of coping but I am so sorry for any harm I caused anyone reading this! It isn't that I wasn't "popular", I had plenty of friends and was very outgoing. But, I always felt like an outcast. I constantly had the feeling that everyone would be better off without me and no one would miss me if I was gone.
As I grew, trying to figure out who I was (since I couldn't be an artist) my behavior got more and more self destructive. I began to self harm in elementary school, but never enough that anyone noticed. If I started to cry over something someone had said, or done, I would press my nails so hard in to my skin that I would bleed because I'd tell myself, only "weak people cry". I became a pro at bottling everything up and putting on a good face. One particular time, I decided to hold the iron on my hand just so I could feel SOMETHING. I kept it there long enough to hear the sizzle of my skin. I told my mom I accidentally knocked the iron over and just didn't feel it until the burn was bad. No one knew my inner turmoil because I didn't want anyone to know. I did tell my mom in one low point, that they'd be better off without me. She put me in counseling, which I totally hated and bs'd my way through. I began drinking alcohol regularly at age 13 (I don't remember how, but I always had something to drink). At age 15, I somehow hid my (now daily) drinking problem even when I was going through a 32 oz. mug full of alcohol at school. I backed off the alcohol a bit after almost getting caught, but went to parties on a regular basis until the summer of my junior year when I got pregnant. My dear friend, Jessica Jensen, helped me realize what a blessing this was.
By this time, I figured I'd settle on being an art teacher since I couldn't be an artist. Besides, now I had a beautiful little girl, Kaitlin Tookey Palmer, to take care of. However, I still struggled with feeling completely lost and suicidal. After my second abusive relationship was coming to an end, I found myself sitting in the dark bathroom with a razor blade. I couldn't see any reason that I should continue on. Then, for some reason, my little girl - who always slept perfectly through the night - cried out for me at the most crucial moment and brought me back to the light. My daughter saved my life. She gave me a purpose.
I still struggle from time to time. Thankfully though, not long after that incident in the dark bathroom, I married my amazingly supportive husband. We wanted to have a child together, but were unable to...it wouldn't be long before we found out why. Eventually, he adopted my little girl which made our family feel more complete. My peace wouldn't last long, there would soon be another blow to my ego. I was told, around age 28, that I was in Premature Ovarian Failure. Even though I had decided I didn't want anymore children, it was still very difficult to be told at 28 that I could NOT have anymore. At this time, I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and began taking medication. The medication was horrible for me. I was a zombie. Eventually, I decided I didn't need it. I also decided to write out my funeral wishes, and goodbye letters to all my loved ones, just in case I didn't live long. I didn't have any plans, but I wanted to be prepared. I was "fine" for several years until I was pushed to the edge again after a horrible fight with my baby girl - a teen at the time (parents, you know how teens are) and a ridiculously stressful day at work. Now, I can't even remember what we fought about, but once again, I felt everyone would be better off without me. This time, God's light was shining bright - and my husband and daughter kept trying to reach me on the phone - so, I was pulled back from anything that could cause me harm.
When Kaitlin graduated and moved out in 2014, I was lost again. What was I going to do now? I had not had an adult life without taking care of her. I soon found my answer. A former student, Jessica Seamons, had been posting about "following your dreams" and talked about a local networking group. So, I decided to put my art portfolio together and go to the Local Impact Zone's Power Breakfast. It was terrifying but glorious! For the first time, I felt like ME again...who I was supposed to be.
During the first two years after Kaitlin graduated high school, I exhibited in over 20 locations and left teaching to be a full time artist. I now have a suicide prevention exhibit that travels wherever it is requested. While working on one of the portraits of a suicide victim, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I do NOT want to be one of these faces. I know I was given a gift that I am supposed to share. That is why God woke my daughter up that night, that is why He protected me at the cliffs after our fight. I am going global with my art and will continue to save lives with my gift because I know who I am. I am an artist.
I began to draw as soon as I could hold a tool to make marks. I excelled in art and everyone told little me that I was very good, but asked, "what are you going to do for a real job". Through elementary school I was asked this, over and over again by well meaning teachers and family, until I felt lost.
I was in the third grade the first time I remember having suicidal thoughts. The teasing at school began to really bother me, and I always felt ganged up on at home (middle child syndrome). I hated to look at myself in the mirror because my nose was so huge, I had a mustache (I had a little fuzz), I looked like a boy (ok...I really did)... whatever it was that the kids were saying at school or on the bus...those became my words to myself. I was not perfect, honestly...I was a brat to other people and lashed out and hurt many along the way. I guess it was my way of coping but I am so sorry for any harm I caused anyone reading this! It isn't that I wasn't "popular", I had plenty of friends and was very outgoing. But, I always felt like an outcast. I constantly had the feeling that everyone would be better off without me and no one would miss me if I was gone.
As I grew, trying to figure out who I was (since I couldn't be an artist) my behavior got more and more self destructive. I began to self harm in elementary school, but never enough that anyone noticed. If I started to cry over something someone had said, or done, I would press my nails so hard in to my skin that I would bleed because I'd tell myself, only "weak people cry". I became a pro at bottling everything up and putting on a good face. One particular time, I decided to hold the iron on my hand just so I could feel SOMETHING. I kept it there long enough to hear the sizzle of my skin. I told my mom I accidentally knocked the iron over and just didn't feel it until the burn was bad. No one knew my inner turmoil because I didn't want anyone to know. I did tell my mom in one low point, that they'd be better off without me. She put me in counseling, which I totally hated and bs'd my way through. I began drinking alcohol regularly at age 13 (I don't remember how, but I always had something to drink). At age 15, I somehow hid my (now daily) drinking problem even when I was going through a 32 oz. mug full of alcohol at school. I backed off the alcohol a bit after almost getting caught, but went to parties on a regular basis until the summer of my junior year when I got pregnant. My dear friend, Jessica Jensen, helped me realize what a blessing this was.
By this time, I figured I'd settle on being an art teacher since I couldn't be an artist. Besides, now I had a beautiful little girl, Kaitlin Tookey Palmer, to take care of. However, I still struggled with feeling completely lost and suicidal. After my second abusive relationship was coming to an end, I found myself sitting in the dark bathroom with a razor blade. I couldn't see any reason that I should continue on. Then, for some reason, my little girl - who always slept perfectly through the night - cried out for me at the most crucial moment and brought me back to the light. My daughter saved my life. She gave me a purpose.
I still struggle from time to time. Thankfully though, not long after that incident in the dark bathroom, I married my amazingly supportive husband. We wanted to have a child together, but were unable to...it wouldn't be long before we found out why. Eventually, he adopted my little girl which made our family feel more complete. My peace wouldn't last long, there would soon be another blow to my ego. I was told, around age 28, that I was in Premature Ovarian Failure. Even though I had decided I didn't want anymore children, it was still very difficult to be told at 28 that I could NOT have anymore. At this time, I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and began taking medication. The medication was horrible for me. I was a zombie. Eventually, I decided I didn't need it. I also decided to write out my funeral wishes, and goodbye letters to all my loved ones, just in case I didn't live long. I didn't have any plans, but I wanted to be prepared. I was "fine" for several years until I was pushed to the edge again after a horrible fight with my baby girl - a teen at the time (parents, you know how teens are) and a ridiculously stressful day at work. Now, I can't even remember what we fought about, but once again, I felt everyone would be better off without me. This time, God's light was shining bright - and my husband and daughter kept trying to reach me on the phone - so, I was pulled back from anything that could cause me harm.
When Kaitlin graduated and moved out in 2014, I was lost again. What was I going to do now? I had not had an adult life without taking care of her. I soon found my answer. A former student, Jessica Seamons, had been posting about "following your dreams" and talked about a local networking group. So, I decided to put my art portfolio together and go to the Local Impact Zone's Power Breakfast. It was terrifying but glorious! For the first time, I felt like ME again...who I was supposed to be.
During the first two years after Kaitlin graduated high school, I exhibited in over 20 locations and left teaching to be a full time artist. I now have a suicide prevention exhibit that travels wherever it is requested. While working on one of the portraits of a suicide victim, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I do NOT want to be one of these faces. I know I was given a gift that I am supposed to share. That is why God woke my daughter up that night, that is why He protected me at the cliffs after our fight. I am going global with my art and will continue to save lives with my gift because I know who I am. I am an artist.
